i only had one question for 2014...

CAN I FUCKING LIVE?
and, god damn, how i lived.

 

i genuinely dislike most holidays; i am still a sad little girl who misses her grandparents and still have yet to see the joy in a holiday without them. that has slowly started to change, but is happily a work in progress.

 

the one holiday i absolutely love, however, is new year's eve. i love the anticipation of the current year finally ending and getting a whole new one to go through. instead of christmas eve things (we don't do that here), i'm getting a head start on my year-end reflection/gratitude.

 

"can i fucking LIVE?" was the mantra for 2014. it was loaded with the intention of living a good year after two long, dark, bad ones. it was the first time i had the intention of doing anything positive for myself, and with that intention, the best year of my life transpired. this is not even a gross exaggeration - i made 2014 my bitch.

 

things i've done in a generous list:

 

1. continued outrageous. this now somewhat-well-known thing is one of my proudest life-pieces.
2. started writing as if i liked to do it again. 
3. celebrated my 24th birthday which, at 23, was not something i wanted to do at all. i survived an entire year; i've been working towards this good recovery; i realized my life was worth something. i think this is my greatest accomplishment.
4. i released that embarrassing chapbook...which was still kinda brave. i can cringe about it all i want, but damn, what a thing to cringe over. consider that my debut LP.
5. a year without my grandfather - i survived this, too. i took some time to acknowledge all he's done for me, directly and through my own observance of him. i became ecstatic to see the similarities between us.
6. i held my first all-female poetry show, which was necessary and good.
7. my other greatest life-piece: i ******finally****** graduated university, with amazing grades.
8. i got to stay at my job, because i deserve to.
9. i learned that i truly do deserve things. i work hard for them and work hard to keep them.
10. i was on CBC news for being a big prince fan and i never wanted to be on the news unless it was political, but like, it's prince, and i do enjoy things that start with the letter p (let your mind go there, whatever).
11. i've told many things to "fuck off" this year - cops, CBC, white supremacists, jerks, rules, poets, self-doubt (this list is extensive)...
12. the usual: got closer to people i love, love a person, love myself. you know i'm all about that love.
13. can i brag about my amazing poetry thing again?
14. "found" yoga. it was always there, but now it's a giant part of my life and has helped my legs get even stronger so i can continue to stomp the patriarchy/kick down more doors in 2015 

now, since the 2014 mantra was so successful, i've been trying to come up with something just as great. of course, trying to find something you need to motivate your soul doesn't happen. it's one of those things you know you should leave up to the universe so it finds you naturally, but your human need to control some shit kicks in over words and intentions.

so, naturally, i decided that since i could live, and i lived, i would just have to continue living until that good intention comes to me.

2015: that's it. live with intention.