appetite for destruction - one year later, still insatiable

great legs are what we stand for; i believe in legs

quite a few people have written generous things (so many generous things) about outrageous, and even more have simply told me ridiculously kind things. some of these things:

1. "i feel so at home and i have so much fun"
2. "i've never felt like i could read my poetry, or that people would even like it"

3. "i've never been able to be myself like that"

4. "i've never felt so accepted for who i was"
5. "you've changed the way i think about poetry"
6. "you have great hair" (the tone of the show is dictated by how i feel about my hair that night)

i love hearing those things. all of those things are what i wanted to make reality, but never actually realized it could happen...and it still isn't entirely obvious to me that my ideals came to fruition.

as much as the show has apparently done something for many people, it has most certainly done a great deal for me. again, it's not much of a show - the bar is transformed into a big commune of love, appreciation, and creativity. i've had days where i wanted it to stop - i fucking hate planning, i'm tired, i have school/work, i want to sleep. i've had days where i thought it sucked - really, what's the point of this? what the fuck am i doing? and i've had days where i was certain november 29, 2014 would be the very last show - seriously, will it be any better?

...and then, it happens, and people are there. pictures are taken. beer is spilled on me. it's loud and all you hear is laughter/screaming. there are moments when the poems make me roll my eyes and there are moments where i start tearing up (essential to poetry: reactions of any kind). there are way more moments when i could not be more grateful that outrageous has become "a thing" than there are moments when i want to punch myself in the face for doing this.

without the humans of outrageous, i would not have been able to live 2014 as richly as i have. it picked me up out of my suicidal hole and threw me into my full self. i've happily graduated university, kicked ass at my job, brightened the friendships i had, created a ton of new/strong friendships, embraced self-love in many forms, wrote some damn good words, and excelled at a million other things i felt i didn't deserve to do.

essentially, the humans of outrageous have let me do what i think i'm really good at: create space for others. i'm honored that what i'm putting out there is not just a show, but an experience. an experience that makes them excited to get up and do what they want to do. i just facilitate it. everyone who attends does the rest.

i don't know what else to do with the show in the new year (and probably won't until a week before each show), but i know outrageous has become somewhat of a catalyst for many opportunities we (as a big commune of love) wouldn't have had otherwise. i also know that i'm not ready to give that up, so...i'll hopefully see you january 26, 2015 :)

...i also think i'll be changing the name. i've really started to hate the word.